The Email I Keep Expecting to Receive That Will Turn My Life Around

Dear Mr. Massey,

After countless hours trolling the internet for a savvy, intelligent, outgoing and resourceful person to join our team, I stumbled upon you.

You were not an easy man to find! We first found your name in the box of rejected submissions to McSweeneys.com (They really snubbed you on that "A Bear Holds a Press Conference" bit, but that is neither here nor there). Then, of course, we were very excited to see your nervous, panicked performance at the Improv 101 Friends & Family show at the UCB theatre 3 years ago. You could barely tell you were hyperventilating. The flop sweat and stuttering just confirmed what we were beginning to learn: this man has "it!"

Then, of course, we stumbled upon your series of "Hey, Fuck You" blogs from your myspace page. In a word: Amazing. The way you channel your negativity and bitterness into eloquent and succinct humorous paragraphs is truly a gift. Which led us to your short lived Cincinnati Bengals blog, "WhoDave." The title of that blog alone deserves accolades. Well played, sir.

All of these accomplishments piqued our interest, but we weren't ready to reach out to you yet. So what tipped the scales? That's right, Mr. Massey, it was your production coordinator work on a series of mid-budget reality shows. When we saw that famous guy do that crazy stuff with those contestants, we had to find out who you were. Who the hell is the guy who set up the production office for this show? Who set up the printers for network printing (best I've ever seen)? And for the love of god I have to meet the man who booked those plane tickets to Utah!

Imagine my chagrin when I realized all of these accomplishments are the work of just one man.

We would like to offer you a job, Mr. Massey. It will be primarily voice over work. I know that we've never heard you speak before, but if anecdotal evidence is to be believed, you have a rich baritone that simply dances off the ear drums. We will also ask you to write brash, profanity-laden sketches that will be animated so as to not limit your vision.

For compensation, how does $5000 a week sound? You can start immediately, and you'll be able to take off time whenever you want to go to weddings, bachelor parties, or vacation spots.

Thank you for your time, and we look forward to meeting with you in person (finally!).

Sincerely,

Rich Cool Guy Who Totally Wants to Mentor You