Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that inspires, moves, and utterly destroys your pre-conceived notions about cinema. Ok, maybe more than once in a lifetime. But like once a week. TEMPLE GRANDIN is that movie, and this is that week.
For those who aren't familiar with the source material, TEMPLE GRANDIN tells the true story of an autistic woman named Temple Grandin (played by Claire Danes), who later in life became the talented musician Beck.
After struggling with her autism during childhood, Temple defied the odds and attended college and received her masters of science. She became a respected member of the animal husbandry community, and her revolutionary designs for washing cows and leading them to slaughter revolutionized the cattle industry.
Claire Danes shows incredible balls in her portrayal of Temple Grandin. Remember how Claire was a hipster sex symbol for most of her career? Yeah, apparently Claire was all "fuck that shit," because it's tough to imagine having sex with her after this one.
So Temple has problems interacting with people and suffers from panic attacks when she becomes agitated. While visiting her aunt's ranch in Arizona, Temple discovers a machine that cowboys use to calm cattle during immunizations. This machine squeezes the cow and holds them in place, which has a calming effect on the beasts. Temple is so fascinated by this device that she builds a small scale version for herself. Every time she has a panic attack, she dives into her squeeze machine and it totally mellows her out.
While I must applaud Temple on her innovation and problem solving capacities, I can't help but side with her (first) college roommate, who walked in during a squeeze session, and reasonably freaked out seeing Temple in the prone position inside a mechanical squeeze box. It's all about context, you know?
Anyways, the best scene in the movie occurs when Temple arrives at a ranch to discover that the cowboys have totally fucked up her cow washing apparatus, resulting in the death of three cows. She totally loses her shit, screaming at them for the adjustments they made to her machines. "Cows can't walk on sheet metal!" I imagine it's the scene Claire thought would play before her Oscar acceptance speech. Alas, it was not to be.
But Claire clearly commits to this role, and you have to respect that. Especially because she talks in this very, ahem, distinct voice throughout the film. Although it's difficult to describe speech patterns in text, I will do my best: You know how deaf people speak? The slight mispronunciation, the loud, atonal braying sounds? Like that but combined with wide-eyed outrage and shock at nearly everything.
This speech pattern has become my go-to voice for my daily activities, and I wield it like a broadsword.
Need to spice up dinner? Sprinkle liberally with some Temple Grandin.
Girlfriend stressed out from work? Can I offer you some cattle-related outrage?
Need an edge for that all-important job interview? Let me tell you about my cow washing mechanism.
Watch this movie with your loved one. Next time he or she is pissed off at you, drop some hot Temple Grandin lines and count the time it takes for the tension to melt away. The record is .5 seconds.
Moving right along, here is a list of things I learned from watching TEMPLE GRANDIN:
1) Cows can't walk on sheet metal
2) We would all be better off with David Strathairn in our lives
3) Women can subsist entirely on pudding and jello
4) Folksy ranch journalists will side with autistic women over mean cowboys every time.
5) I totally need a squeeze machine
TEMPLE GRANDIN is currently playing on HBO every 45 minutes.
RATING: 4.5 out of 5
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